Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Envy and the Envy Killer

Envy is a very ugly emotion. For me it's an emotional equivalent of that feeling when you bump your head against something and feel your brain rattle a little bit, and you get that smell in your nose (kind of a hard smell to describe). It's that feeling like I'm never going to be good enough or I'm not going to ever get there, and here I am, doing the exact same thing this person's doing, but I get no recognition for it. Or that this person(s) has it all figured out, and damn, why didn't I think of that!!!

It's really so silly.

I'm working on my envy issues. I only get envious whenever someone gets attention/success due to something that I do well or thought about doing myself. It always looks so easy when I hear these stories, but I know that it really isn't. I also know, that they only attained that attention or success as a result of them doing the one thing that I won't do: Stick with something.

Earlier today my good friend V called to tell me that the $5 dinners lady was on Rachel Ray. I was like 'oh, ok.' Then tonight I'm watching the local news, and they were also talking about it. For those who don't know who she is, she's this local lady who gained fame and fortune for being able to feed her whole family for $5 a dinner. She made a youtube video, and won a $6k gift card from Walmart. She also has a site that shows you how to do this.

The reason for the envy? My friend V. had told me to do just what she did with having the site, because I too, am a maven at feeding my family (very well) on a budget. I didn't really pursue the idea because it wasn't one I was passionate about. I realized though, that I didn't envy her because she was doing something I wanted to do, really. It was really more an envy of knowing what you love, are good at, and having the courage to pursue making somewhat of a living at it. I have a lot of things I'm good at and love doing, but I don't think I've found the one that I want to pursue as a career/business idea. Maybe I'm not meant to make a career/business of any of my current skill-set. I don't know.

Tonight I found my envy-killer. I came to the realization that it's just not my turn yet. I'm not where I need to be to make it happen. I haven't found my 'one thing' that I am good enough at, and passionate enough about to overcome the fear of doing. That day will come and it will happen organically.

Until then, I'm will quietly content myself with doing the things I currently love.